God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered and would like to share with you:
I started out with nothing; I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.