For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole. Thrilled, he told his wife, "Thank God ! No more of those freezing Russian winters."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.
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Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
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Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them.
Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: "THAT IS THE END OF THE GNUS. HERE AGAIN ARE THE HEAD LIONS."
A Pharmacy Sophomore was taking a course in dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as "Take with food" and "Take with water." At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels. Days later she noticed that a classmate had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read, "Caution: may cause drowsiness."
A man goes to buy a birthday present for his daughter. He asks the salesgirl: "How much for that Barbie in the window?"
"Which Barbie?" she asks. "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes night clubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
"Why is Divorced Barbie for $265.95 when every other Barbie costs $19.95?" asks the man.
"That's obvious," says the salesgirl. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture......."
Heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you
exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they stated that they will only accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We Japanese had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Question: I know that real planes fly because of their curved wings. However, paper airplanes don't have such curved wings. How can they fly? Where does the lifting force come from?
Answer: Well, speaking as someone who sprained his back lifting shuttle documentation, everybody knows an airplane flies when the weight of its documentation equals or exceeds the weight of the airplane. Therefore a paper airplane flies because it's self-documenting.
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there, Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Three old ladies, 92, 94, and 96 yeards old, all lived together. One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her friends, "Am I getting into the tub or out of the tub?"
The 94-year-old started up the stairs to help, then paused and called back downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The youngest, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help them. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood. She got up, then paused and called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"
A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"East," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
This page created and maintained by Chad Schultz, ©1999.
Last updated July 4, 2001.
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